Monday, February 28, 2011


I didn't think he would do it while I was pregnant... I don't know why I had that kind of faith in him.
We were on the trail by the river and I said something that he didn't like. He back handed me and then left me there. I was probably 7 or 8 months along.

I sat there and told my unborn baby that things would be ok. I told her over and over that things wouldn't always be that way, and that I loved her.

I've let her see too much.
I've let her know what fear is like.
I've seen the look on her face,
heard the confusion in her voice.
I've felt her hands grasp for me because we were falling.

Someday I'll make it all up to her.

Finding Myself

I love who I am.
I know he helped shape who I am today...
The good and the bad.

I know that.

Without him I wouldn't know what I want to do with my life.
And without him I wouldn't have a reason to want to do it.

I know that abuse is all too common, and I know about all the politics of it. I know that we, generally speaking, try to hide it, try to protect our abusers, try to talk ourselves into thinking that they are right... it's easier that way. I know that a hundred million people could have, (and tried to) give me the motivation to leave. Tried to tell me that I was pretty enough. That I was smart enough. I was... capable enough.

It's hard to believe it when you're being told the opposite by the one person in the world that you think you have.

Walking away from everything I knew, everything I owned... was... hard.
When I got here, I wanted to change everything. I changed my hair, I got new clothes, my surrounding were obviously all different. I still feel upset about the things that I don't have, the things I "traded in" so to speak, but I have my freedom now, and my daughter has stability.

This was all very random, and poorly written, but I'm building up the courage to tell all.

Look What You Made Me Do

This goddamn song is what always pops into my head when I start thinking about him.
I'll never go back, so it doesn't really apply to me... But I've been there...
I could be crying hysterically... hurting from head to toe, scared to death, and one hug would take it all away. What the fuck, right?
Those were the moments that I felt the weakest. Those were the moments where I thought I'd never make it through. Where I didn't even want to make it through.

I don't miss him. I don't even miss who I was when I was with him, or before I was with him... I just miss seeing him with Annabell. Feeling like he cared... Not feeling so alone in it all. That sounds so stupid. He is who I need protection from, and all I wanted was for him to protect me.

I wasn't afraid of him when I left. I should have been, but I wasn't. I felt so fucking strong. On top of the world for making the decison and knowing that this time I'd do it. I can't believe that it only took two simple words from a complete stranger to give me that push. After so many months of the girls telling me that I didn't deserve it.
I knew I didn't deserve it... didn't I? I don't even know anymore. He told me I did, and I didn't question him if I wanted it to ever end.

"Look what you made me do."

I hate those words.


A friend told me to start blogging. I don't know about it. I don't know if I want to put myself out there fully. I guess I'll take things slow.

Tonight I'm alone. I'm not used to this. It scares me a little.
I've been thinking alot about the past... about Kyle, and everything that happened.

I've been looking in the mirror, looking at the scar, thinking about that day.
I've been reading motivational "survival" stories.
I've been considering how lucky I am. To be free. To be alive.
I've been feeling sorry for myself.
I've been so confused...