Thursday, April 7, 2011

things are moving forward

Everyday. I'm so ready. We deserve to have a normal life.
I'm nervous for Anna to see him. I know he'd never hurt her but I'm afraid she might not remember him or something... I don't know... Maybe I'm more afraid that she'll remember only the bad times...
we'll see.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

fuck it

Someday, I'll be
Big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean.

So at first, I thought this song was hilarious, bc of how it made Evan feel lol.... but I've since realized that it's perfect for me... and as I was listening to it earlier I got a phone call that made me bawl like a baby... all fucking night.
I can't believe he's stooped down to this fucking level. I knew he'd been hacking me, I knew he taken over everything I had, I knew he had a fake profile but I didn't expect him to actually go for it, to actually try to get info out of someone I cared about...
I know this person would never give him what he wanted, whether he knew it was Kyle or not, but it still terrified me and it just isn't fair...
I can't find the words I'm looking for... I think I'm overthinking it...

Monday, March 21, 2011

changes and thanks

Since Dec, my life has been changing. I can't get over how different I'm living right now from just 4 months ago.
I still have a lot of things to work on, obviously, but I know that I'll be ok. I know that I have love and support and encouragement to better myself. I know who my friends are and I know that they will help me get through.

I figured I should take some time to thank some people :)

Cliff... We don't talk anymore, but you pushed me to leave without knowing it. You made me realize that I wasn't all the terrible things Kyle told me I was everyday. Thank you.

Miranda... I don't know how many millions of times I told you that I was leaving... I distinctly remember crying to you while Anna threw rocks in the creek. I was telling you... finally... the truth of what was going on in my life and you were there for me, upset for me, and supportive of me. After I left you won the war of the facebook passwords for me and that was important too : ) I love you and I owe you.

Jess... You talked me through so much. Your cute little accent was a HUGE comfort to me. You're my girl ; ) <3 you, babygirl.

Sarah and Britt... Words can't express how much I love you both. You two are amazing, and two of the best friends I could ask for. <3

Steven... Without you I never would have made it. Simple as that. I miss you.

Heather... my little legal go to. <3

There are lots more, but I'm saving them for another night.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I'm unsure about how I feel about this. I'm going to post something that I wrote last month... It was the first time I had let things out, at all. It's just... raw emotion. and it makes me nervous.

February 22, 2011

I don't remember when or how it started.... just that it was a part of my everyday life from as far back as I can remember.

Sometimes I wonder why I spent so much time with my grandparents. I'm starting to know why. Having a kid is so hard. I never imagined this would be my life. Who would have thought that I'd get pregnant at 18? I hate being a statistic. I love her more than anything obviously, but so wish I would have waited. I wish I would have thought things through, went to school, not stayed with Kyle. SO much I would change if I could. But I can't.

I miss Nana and Pa. Pa hurts the most. I still, to this day, can't believe that I let Kyle take away something so important to me. He wouldn't let me take Anna to see him bc he was in the hospital. Anna was born ONE MONTH,before he died... she was just minutes away from him, but I wasn't allowed to take her.
The day he died I was going to take her. My mom called and said that he wasn't doing good. Kyle said I had to go up first, and then I could come back and get her. When I got there, he was gone. The girls cleaning his room gave me the saddest look. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget the yellow rose magnet that was on his door, and how when I pushed the door open, I already knew that I'd see an empty bed.

I went home and cried. I didn't know what to do. I still don't.
At his funeral, Nana held his hand. She wanted to see him so bad but she couldn't because of her wheelchair.
The night she died was really terrible as well... I was there but no one bothered to wake me up. One of the most important people in my whole world died 4 feet away from me. I miss her so much. She was so strong. Put up with so much. Being married to a drunk, having a gay son in a town that didn't accept him, having to put up with all of Pa's affairs. She had always been sick. Always strong.

I think when I met kyle I knew he wasn't really what I wanted, but he was interested and that, I did want. I was 16 and I threw away the rest of my teenage years for him. I don't remember the first time the physical abuse started but I know that the emotional abuse started about a week in.  I should have left right then. Our first major fight was about sexual abuse. Because I didn't want to talk about it.

The first time he ever hit me in front of someone was in PA. We were visiting his mom and sister and he, Barb, and I decided to take Annabell to the park. She was about 8 months old. We were walking on a bridge and I was holding his hand because he didn't like heights. I had Anna in my other arm and scooted her up on my hip. He let go of my hand and slapped me across the face becuase it scared him. Then he and Barb left Anna and I. At this huge fucking park in a city I didn't know.

One time, our car wouldn't start. I was supposed to take him to work and it was winter. The car finally started but stalled in the middle of the road. He was gonna be late and he flipped. I was wearing a thin hoodie and holding anna. He grabbed my hoodie and ripped it right downt he middle. He flung us onto the couch and started hitting me. I freaked out. I had always said that I could handle the abuse but I wouldn't allow it in front of Anna. What a liar I was. I always tried to justify shit.

I always wondered if he was trying to kill us. In the car when he'd pull my hair or punch me in the side of the head... I wondered if it was me he hated, or himself. I hated the way he made me feel. He would open his mouth and I'd think about how nice it sounded to just drive right into that guard rail. I of course, could never do it, but the thoughts were so common that I started to worry.

I hate him. I hate that he wants sole custody of Annabell. I hate that he won't leave me alone. I hate that he hacks into my shit. I hate that I have to hide my life. I hate who I've become, I hate what Anna's seen, I hate what she's going to see.
I'm so scared. The fear is the worst part. I have so many regrets. So much I would change.

I think this is all I can write right now. I promised Anna once that I'd never cry in front of her again, and I've broken it too many

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I don't know why I'm letting myself cry tonight.
This isn't the best time to be doing it.
I hate this being alone shit. I don't mean like, relationship wise, I mean physically. It makes me nervous. I should get back on track. Sleep normal hours... but everytime I close my eyes I regret it. I don't know what's going on in my head anymore and quite frankly, it's no fun. I know I'm just remembering, reliving, trying to work through it, but the nightmares are no fun and keep me up for hours.

In some ways, I wish I knew someone who'd been through it all... So I could know what to expect, if it would ever end, if I would ever feel whole. But if I did know someone who'd been through it, that would mean that someone else would have had to have gone through it... and I would never want that for anyone.

Crying used to be such a daily (multiple times a day, to be exact) that it makes me think of him. When I start to cry I prepare myself to get hit. Crying can be controlled. That's what he thinks. Not the case for me. Not once I start anyway.
eh. fuck it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It's shocking
what it's come to
how my life is such a mess
how quickly, you can lose it all
and i've lost it, I confess.

I'm not sure when I actually realized that I was living a fucked up life.

Maybe when I was in labor and he wouldn't even speak to me...
Or maybe it was after I had her, when he told me that I was already a piece of shit mom for having a c-section.
Maybe it was even before all of that, I don't really know.

I remember standing in front of the mirror one day, trying to figure out how I was gonna cover up the black eye, wondering if the patch of missing hair was noticable... thinking of ways to explain the knot on my head. I called my mom, and of course made up some bull shit story.
If I would have told her the truth... that he had gotten mad about something stupid, chased me up the stairs, pulled me backwords by my hair, slammed my head against the stairs, pulled me to the couch, held me down by my throat and punched me, she probably still wouldn't have believed me. She couldn't believe my made up stories because she knew I was hiding something, but I don't think she would have allowed herself to have believed the truth... because it was too much.

I never wanted anyone to know then, and now, when I do tell people... it kills me when they don't believe me...
Kyle and I have a mutual friend, J, and she doesn't believe one word of it. I know it's because she cares about him, but even his mom knows it happened... his sister saw it happen... I don't know. I don't know why I care... I guess I just always expected her to understand...

Either way, I'm starting to feel again...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Success is the best revenge?

Thinkin with your brains blown that would make the pain go
No! You got to find a way to survive
cause they win when your soul dies

Being told that Annabell would be better off with me dead, was one of the hardest things to hear...
I didn't expect it to hurt that much.
I knew it wasn't tue.. but it made me think.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind right now.

Your Crumbs Of Lovin'

will somehow get me by.

I never really doubted that I was loved.
He told me he loved me everyday.
At the end of almost every phone call, and before he left every morning.
Before I went to bed most nights...
The nights I was allowed to sleep in bed, anyway.

That was always one of the most terrible parts... being told to sleep on the floor... of my two year old's room.
Not being allowed to take my pillow or a blanket. Curling up on one of her teddy bears, and wishing I could just fall asleep already. I hated those nights the worst. I would start to go downstairs and then hear him stop typing... I always knew that was a bad sign, as pathetic as that sounds. I knew that if he stopped what he was doing, I was in trouble. All I wanted was to sleep on the fucking couch... have a tiny ounce of dignity left, but instead I'd end up getting pushed around and yelled at, told that I didn't deserve to sleep in bed with him if I didn't give him what he wanted. Usually within a couple hours he'd come in and tell me to come to bed. I always tried so hard to pretend to be asleep, and try to resist it, but it was so hard... All I ever wanted was his affection, and when he showed it, even if I knew with all my heart that it was for his gain, I'd accept it.

I haven't heard from him for probably a month, now. Maybe more.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


Sometimes I wonder why I let myself get to this point... to the point I was at before I left... to the point I was at when I got with him. I don't know the answer.

I know that there are certain points, that are so low, that if I ever go back, I won't make it out again.

Not only because I can't handle it, but because I can't put my family and friends through it again.

I think I'm doing good... all things considered.

Monday, February 28, 2011


I didn't think he would do it while I was pregnant... I don't know why I had that kind of faith in him.
We were on the trail by the river and I said something that he didn't like. He back handed me and then left me there. I was probably 7 or 8 months along.

I sat there and told my unborn baby that things would be ok. I told her over and over that things wouldn't always be that way, and that I loved her.

I've let her see too much.
I've let her know what fear is like.
I've seen the look on her face,
heard the confusion in her voice.
I've felt her hands grasp for me because we were falling.

Someday I'll make it all up to her.

Finding Myself

I love who I am.
I know he helped shape who I am today...
The good and the bad.

I know that.

Without him I wouldn't know what I want to do with my life.
And without him I wouldn't have a reason to want to do it.

I know that abuse is all too common, and I know about all the politics of it. I know that we, generally speaking, try to hide it, try to protect our abusers, try to talk ourselves into thinking that they are right... it's easier that way. I know that a hundred million people could have, (and tried to) give me the motivation to leave. Tried to tell me that I was pretty enough. That I was smart enough. I was... capable enough.

It's hard to believe it when you're being told the opposite by the one person in the world that you think you have.

Walking away from everything I knew, everything I owned... was... hard.
When I got here, I wanted to change everything. I changed my hair, I got new clothes, my surrounding were obviously all different. I still feel upset about the things that I don't have, the things I "traded in" so to speak, but I have my freedom now, and my daughter has stability.

This was all very random, and poorly written, but I'm building up the courage to tell all.

Look What You Made Me Do

This goddamn song is what always pops into my head when I start thinking about him.
I'll never go back, so it doesn't really apply to me... But I've been there...
I could be crying hysterically... hurting from head to toe, scared to death, and one hug would take it all away. What the fuck, right?
Those were the moments that I felt the weakest. Those were the moments where I thought I'd never make it through. Where I didn't even want to make it through.

I don't miss him. I don't even miss who I was when I was with him, or before I was with him... I just miss seeing him with Annabell. Feeling like he cared... Not feeling so alone in it all. That sounds so stupid. He is who I need protection from, and all I wanted was for him to protect me.

I wasn't afraid of him when I left. I should have been, but I wasn't. I felt so fucking strong. On top of the world for making the decison and knowing that this time I'd do it. I can't believe that it only took two simple words from a complete stranger to give me that push. After so many months of the girls telling me that I didn't deserve it.
I knew I didn't deserve it... didn't I? I don't even know anymore. He told me I did, and I didn't question him if I wanted it to ever end.

"Look what you made me do."

I hate those words.


A friend told me to start blogging. I don't know about it. I don't know if I want to put myself out there fully. I guess I'll take things slow.

Tonight I'm alone. I'm not used to this. It scares me a little.
I've been thinking alot about the past... about Kyle, and everything that happened.

I've been looking in the mirror, looking at the scar, thinking about that day.
I've been reading motivational "survival" stories.
I've been considering how lucky I am. To be free. To be alive.
I've been feeling sorry for myself.
I've been so confused...