I don't know why I'm letting myself cry tonight.
This isn't the best time to be doing it.
I hate this being alone shit. I don't mean like, relationship wise, I mean physically. It makes me nervous. I should get back on track. Sleep normal hours... but everytime I close my eyes I regret it. I don't know what's going on in my head anymore and quite frankly, it's no fun. I know I'm just remembering, reliving, trying to work through it, but the nightmares are no fun and keep me up for hours.
In some ways, I wish I knew someone who'd been through it all... So I could know what to expect, if it would ever end, if I would ever feel whole. But if I did know someone who'd been through it, that would mean that someone else would have had to have gone through it... and I would never want that for anyone.
Crying used to be such a daily (multiple times a day, to be exact) that it makes me think of him. When I start to cry I prepare myself to get hit. Crying can be controlled. That's what he thinks. Not the case for me. Not once I start anyway.
eh. fuck it.