unsure...

I'm unsure about how I feel about this. I'm going to post something that I wrote last month... It was the first time I had let things out, at all. It's just... raw emotion. and it makes me nervous.






February 22, 2011



I don't remember when or how it started.... just that it was a part of my everyday life from as far back as I can remember.

Sometimes I wonder why I spent so much time with my grandparents. I'm starting to know why. Having a kid is so hard. I never imagined this would be my life. Who would have thought that I'd get pregnant at 18? I hate being a statistic. I love her more than anything obviously, but so wish I would have waited. I wish I would have thought things through, went to school, not stayed with Kyle. SO much I would change if I could. But I can't.

I miss Nana and Pa. Pa hurts the most. I still, to this day, can't believe that I let Kyle take away something so important to me. He wouldn't let me take Anna to see him bc he was in the hospital. Anna was born ONE MONTH,before he died... she was just minutes away from him, but I wasn't allowed to take her.
The day he died I was going to take her. My mom called and said that he wasn't doing good. Kyle said I had to go up first, and then I could come back and get her. When I got there, he was gone. The girls cleaning his room gave me the saddest look. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget the yellow rose magnet that was on his door, and how when I pushed the door open, I already knew that I'd see an empty bed.

I went home and cried. I didn't know what to do. I still don't.
At his funeral, Nana held his hand. She wanted to see him so bad but she couldn't because of her wheelchair.
The night she died was really terrible as well... I was there but no one bothered to wake me up. One of the most important people in my whole world died 4 feet away from me. I miss her so much. She was so strong. Put up with so much. Being married to a drunk, having a gay son in a town that didn't accept him, having to put up with all of Pa's affairs. She had always been sick. Always strong.



I think when I met kyle I knew he wasn't really what I wanted, but he was interested and that, I did want. I was 16 and I threw away the rest of my teenage years for him. I don't remember the first time the physical abuse started but I know that the emotional abuse started about a week in.  I should have left right then. Our first major fight was about sexual abuse. Because I didn't want to talk about it.

The first time he ever hit me in front of someone was in PA. We were visiting his mom and sister and he, Barb, and I decided to take Annabell to the park. She was about 8 months old. We were walking on a bridge and I was holding his hand because he didn't like heights. I had Anna in my other arm and scooted her up on my hip. He let go of my hand and slapped me across the face becuase it scared him. Then he and Barb left Anna and I. At this huge fucking park in a city I didn't know.

One time, our car wouldn't start. I was supposed to take him to work and it was winter. The car finally started but stalled in the middle of the road. He was gonna be late and he flipped. I was wearing a thin hoodie and holding anna. He grabbed my hoodie and ripped it right downt he middle. He flung us onto the couch and started hitting me. I freaked out. I had always said that I could handle the abuse but I wouldn't allow it in front of Anna. What a liar I was. I always tried to justify shit.

I always wondered if he was trying to kill us. In the car when he'd pull my hair or punch me in the side of the head... I wondered if it was me he hated, or himself. I hated the way he made me feel. He would open his mouth and I'd think about how nice it sounded to just drive right into that guard rail. I of course, could never do it, but the thoughts were so common that I started to worry.

I hate him. I hate that he wants sole custody of Annabell. I hate that he won't leave me alone. I hate that he hacks into my shit. I hate that I have to hide my life. I hate who I've become, I hate what Anna's seen, I hate what she's going to see.
I'm so scared. The fear is the worst part. I have so many regrets. So much I would change.

I think this is all I can write right now. I promised Anna once that I'd never cry in front of her again, and I've broken it too many