It's shocking
what it's come to
how my life is such a mess
how quickly, you can lose it all
and i've lost it, I confess.

I'm not sure when I actually realized that I was living a fucked up life.

Maybe when I was in labor and he wouldn't even speak to me...
Or maybe it was after I had her, when he told me that I was already a piece of shit mom for having a c-section.
Maybe it was even before all of that, I don't really know.

I remember standing in front of the mirror one day, trying to figure out how I was gonna cover up the black eye, wondering if the patch of missing hair was noticable... thinking of ways to explain the knot on my head. I called my mom, and of course made up some bull shit story.
If I would have told her the truth... that he had gotten mad about something stupid, chased me up the stairs, pulled me backwords by my hair, slammed my head against the stairs, pulled me to the couch, held me down by my throat and punched me, she probably still wouldn't have believed me. She couldn't believe my made up stories because she knew I was hiding something, but I don't think she would have allowed herself to have believed the truth... because it was too much.

I never wanted anyone to know then, and now, when I do tell people... it kills me when they don't believe me...
Kyle and I have a mutual friend, J, and she doesn't believe one word of it. I know it's because she cares about him, but even his mom knows it happened... his sister saw it happen... I don't know. I don't know why I care... I guess I just always expected her to understand...

Either way, I'm starting to feel again...